What if somewhere in the middle of our lives, for those of us who are genuinely asking that God would have His way, there takes place a series of events that leaves us empty, wounded & disoriented? What if, after bringing those events before The LORD we find out that it was He who sanctioned those happenings? What if we discovered that in those areas where we once felt competent, where we moved through life operating “out of our giftings,” God allowed those strengths to diminish, so that we could no longer rely upon them? What if God purposefully and aggressively deconstructed the under-girding we’d come to count on… so that when it seemed as if we should be “coasting” in certain veins of life, we found ourselves vulnerable, as if we were back in time cutting our first teeth!? These are questions I have been asking God about the last little while. And I have been hearing His voice in response to those questions.
I believe God wants very much to reveal His heart to me and grow me up, enlightening me to truths that will actually change the way I live life. I find it fascinating the order in which He reveals what He does. It does not follow a line of reasoning that makes sense to me. I think that’s on purpose because it means I can’t get ahead of His movements or even anticipate where He might be going next. All that to say, I believe it keeps me “in the moment” and that is altogether important.
I suppose I had an idea that mid-life would afford a kind of settling in terms of processes of thinking, or ways of interpreting life; that there would be some general sense of ease in these years. What I have found instead is a dismantling of much of that thinking and interpreting. I am confident while equally sobered, that God is doing precisely what is necessary so I can see certain things I will be unable to see unless He blows up a few of the buildings I’ve built. They are blocking an essential view.
I realize most of this language is nebulous, but maybe as you read the next few paragraphs, you will find someplace in you that resonates.
If God literally spoke to me, here’s the essence of what I believe He might say…
Anne, you have been asking me to have my way in you. I have heard you. I am glad for your question and your commitment to keep asking it. I am now and mean to continue to honor your request because I very much want for you to experience what I have always intended for you to experience in the life I’ve given you, which began for you here in the confines of time but is eternal.
Here’s the bottom line, which I know you are already beginning to comprehend. You have constructed a life that I have been included in since you were 5 years old. However, for many different reasons, that life has been and largely remains centered upon you and the pursuit of your general well-being.
You believe I am who I say I am. That’s good, but you have been under the delusion that I can be used as a means to gain that happiness. I do not participate in those types of arrangements. I need you to come to terms with the critical nature of your “you-centered” existence. It is deeper than you can imagine and has implications that I am gently revealing to you. And so, I am taking you on a journey to the center of yourself. When we get there, you will have the opportunity to place me on the throne of your heart…. that deepest place within you. You will first have to de-throne yourself.
You know that I love you, that I have only good intentions and thoughts toward you. You know that this journey is essential and that as we progress upon it, you will be able to love me more and more, not for your well-being, but for my glory. And you will be able to love people with no selfish agenda. You will do it because you will understand that loving people is also about me, not about what they might give you in return for your love. You will move toward selflessness and I will become CENTRAL. As this transformation takes place, you will find your deepest longings being met, but it will look NOTHING like what you have imagined. We are on a journey to deconstruct your impossible dreams. Until you let them go, I have no space within you to build what will truly satisfy and what will transfer when it’s time for you to come home.
Hold very loosely to the things of this world, to the content of your present existence. You are free to give fully to everyone I lead you to. They need my love and I am inviting you to deliver it to them. Your concern, as you make that delivery, is that you are obeying my command, thereby proving your love for me even as you present me to them. This is a high and precious calling and the primary way I choose to make myself known to dying souls; the primary way I choose to express love to my children. I showed you what that looks like when I walked the earth.
Your core purpose is to glorify me by loving me and loving people. I am the sole source of life, so understand how critical it is that you point people to me by loving them. Life is about loving me and about loving people.
Trust me, Anne. I know what I’m doing. Let the construct of your self-made world fall. Let me sweep it away and build what cannot be undone.
“In this is love,
not that we loved God,
but that He loved us…”
~ 1 John 4:10 ~